Hogwarts a History - Otter's can't catch what?
by jade-fae
Summary: Harry, or is it Thaddeus, meet Luna. Down the otter hole we go.
1. Hullo Harry Potter

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 01 – Hullo Harry Potter

…

Catch it. Gotta catch it. Can't catch it. Getting away. Go faster, gotta catch it. No good lousy snitch, get back here, won't snitch on me. Not listening, can't catch it. Gotta catch it. Can't catch it. You're an otter.

What? Otter what?

Harry drifted groggily into consciousness, the hard cold floor beneath him helping to clear his head. He wasn't an otter, that was his first realization. He wasn't at the Dursley's either, which almost made up for his not being an otter.

He was at the Burrow, in Ottery St. Catchpole. He was laying on the floor of Ron's room while Ron lay up in his bed, snoring like a weed whacker. Memories of the previous evening filtered in and he realized why he'd thought he was an otter.

Rather than going to sleep, he and Ron had stayed up much of the night talking. Not on purpose, it just sort of happened. It wasn't even about anything important. They'd reminisced on their big city adventure, discussed Quidditch, naturally, and somehow got into a debate over just why it was called Ottery St. Catchpole.

Harry was pretty sure none of their speculation was even close but it was still fun. After that the conversation trickled off and the next thing he knew he was an otter.

"But otters can't catch the pole," he snickered.

"Otters can catch wha?" Ron mumbled in his sleep.

Harry smiled at his friend and silently slid out of bed, not wishing to wake him. Slipping into his shoes he made his way downstairs as quietly as he could. No small feat as ever step and floorboard seemed to be working against his cause.

He arrived the kitchen to a most delicious assault. The scent flooded his nostrils, and the scent was glorious. Pots and pans sat unattended which seemed strange to Harry. Even in a magical household delicious food didn't just make itself. Did it?

Stepping off the staircase he heard the soft sound of voices and went to investigate. He found Mrs. Weasley standing at the kitchen door, talking to someone outside. He couldn't see who it was but it sounded like a girl and Harry was reasonably sure it wasn't Ginny.

"I really should have known they weren't Blumbul berries. Totally wrong season for them you know."

"Well I'm just sorry we missed you yesterday," said Mrs. Weasley.

"I was frightfully worried when I found the house empty," the voice said. "I thought the woozles must have gotten you."

"Oh?"

"I was already halfway through plotting my bloody vengeance when daddy suggested you'd just gone out for the day."

"Were you now?" Mrs. Weasley chortled.

"Oh yes. I'd already planned out exactly how I was going to assassinate their king while framing his right hand by planting evidence in his sock drawer. That's the first place they look you know."

The perfectly preposterous plot caused Harry to give himself away with a reflexive snicker, "Harry! Good morning. Oh Luna, you haven't met yet."

Mrs. Weasley gestured him over and Harry came face to face with a little blond haired girl. Her big eyes stared at him in a way that suggested utter shock, though her tone betrayed this impression, "Hullo," she greeted.

"Uh, hi," he replied, never very good when meeting new people, "I'm…"

"Harry Potter," she said.

Harry sighed, silly to think she wouldn't recognize him. Everyone else did.

"Or maybe you're Thaddeus Potter," she added.

"Huh? Who's Thaddeus Potter?"

"Harry Potter's secret twin and the real boy who lived," she said. "It's one of the theory's floating around. Tell me, have you secretly been training all your life to defeat the Dark Lord when he makes his glorious and bloody return?"

WHAT? "Uh, no, no I haven't."

"So you aren't in league with a secret cabal of war wizards ready to come at your beck and call."

"No, no war wizards." Just what were people saying about him?

"Then you haven't been engaged to marry the lost princess of Atlantis when she manifests herself to claim her kingdom?"

Harry gaped at the big-eyed girl who continued to rattle off the most absurd accusations he'd heard since learning he'd killed a dark lord at the age of one. Just who was this girl? And where the bloody hell was she getting her information?


	2. Down the otter hole

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 02 – Down the otter hole

…

Home. There was no better word to describe it. The Burrow felt like home. Or at least, what Harry always imagined a home would feel like.

Unlike the house on Privet Drive, The Burrow was not a showpiece, not intended to impress or make the neighbors jealous. Every section, tacked on as they were, served the singular purpose of housing the family that lived there.

Home. The Burrow was home. As Harry stood admiring the unique architecture he wondered if he might have one of his own someday. Not this one of course. It seemed to suit the Weasley's, but even with magic he couldn't imagine living in a place so, precarious.

The visit had been enjoyable though. It was just a pity they'd gotten into trouble for doing it. Not him, he didn't belong to them after all, but the twins and Ron were paying the piper for 'borrowing' their fathers car.

That was why Harry was outside on his own. Mrs. Weasley was supervising her wayward sons. Percy was, doing something he got real flustered about when Harry asked. And the only other person in the house, Ginny, had taken one look at him, squeaked, then disappeared up to her room.

Harry had no idea what he'd done but he didn't think going after her was the wisest choice so he'd wandered outside, past the garden where the gnomes were already firmly ensconced back in their holes, around to the edge of the woods.

He'd no real plan or direction, which in itself was half the fun. Who knew what he might come across. What fancy might take him. He could wind up anywhere, doing anything, with anyone.

He chuckled at the silliness of such an idea. The excitement of exploration was going to his head, "Back down to earth Harry," he told himself.

It was all well and good to dream, but even with magic there had to be limits, right?

"Will you, won't you, join the dance."

"Huh?"

Before his very eyes a familiar blonde girl went skipping by, singing her request for a dance partner, never even glancing in his direction. One second she was there, the next she was gone, leaving Harry to wonder if he'd actually seen what he thought he saw or if he'd just imagined it.

"Well, nothing for it I guess." Adventure ho and here we go.

Heading into the wood he could just make out the sound of her voice over the din of the forest. The quiet rustle of trees and chirp of every bird hummed just beneath the singing girl. Not that this consideration helped to track her.

She made that easy though by not being subtle about her means of traverse. She was skipping, through the leaves, along the trail. It didn't take a master tracker to follow her, which was good, because Harry was no master tracker.

"See how eagerly the lobsters," echoed from the left.

Harry made a quick turn and caught just a hint of blonde. Emboldened, he pursued, losing the trail as he charged into the bush.

"Will you, won't you, join the dance," she asked again.

It was louder this time which had to mean he was catching up. The trees parted and Harry came to a sudden halt at the head of a small cave.

Cave was maybe being generous. It wasn't much bigger than some of the gnome holes from the Weasley's garden. More a rabbit hole really. He began to wonder if she'd somehow gone down the hole when he heard singing off to his right.

"There she is," he hurried after her only to trip on an exposed root and tumble down a gulley. "Ow." Not the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and at least there was no one there to see it.

"Hullo."

Spoke too soon.

Adjusting his glasses, Harry looked up into the big eyes of a little blonde girl, "Why Thaddeus, what brings you here?"

The not twin of Harry Potter sighed, "It's Harry, Luna."

"Really, I thought it was Harry Potter. Have you been adopted recently?"

"No, it's not… never mind." He wasn't prepared for this sort of mental exercise, "What are you doing here?"

"Going to meet an acquaintance," she said. "Would you like to meet him?"

Why not, "Sure."

Seeming inordinately pleased by this, "Well come on then!"

With surprising strength she pulled him to his feet and dragged him down the length of the gulley.

"Woah, Luna, where are we going?" he begged.

"Here," she said, coming to a halt at the head of a large hollowed out log.

"Whoa!"

Luna nodded in agreement, "I've always thought a door would be nice but he won't have it. Silly really."

Harry didn't know if she meant the door or her friend, and he wasn't curious enough to ask. The log was enormous, big enough for him to stand upright in the hollow, and so long he couldn't see the other end.

"Well, come on," said Luna, skipping down the length and disappearing into the dark.

"Luna wait!"

One, two, three steps… three steps… three, step…?

"Where's the floooooooooooooor!"


	3. These are not the droids

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 03 – These are not the droids you are looking for, but they'll do

…

Groaning, he was groaning. At least he thought he was groaning. It felt like he should be groaning.

"Are you alright young man?"

Harry opened his eyes and stared, "I'm an otter."

The one staring back chuckled, "No young man, I am an otter," said the otter.

Yep, he sure was, "Must've fallen on my head."

"Your landing did leave something to be desired."

Turning his head, Harry found a certain blonde sitting to his left, "Luna."

"You remember me Thaddeus."

Harry groaned, "M'not Thaddeus," he griped, sitting up after shooing the otter from his chest.

"I'm glad you've come," said the otter, "we're in quite the pickle, we are."

"Kosher?" asked Luna.

"I'm afraid not dear."

"Oh poo."

"Hold on," said Harry, "when you say pickle are you referring to the vegetable or are you saying you've got a problem?" The point needed clarifying.

"The second one."

"Dill?"

Oh brother, "Maybe you should explain."

But when no explanation appeared forthcoming, he removed his face from his palm to find the otter looking pensive into the distance.

"What's wrong?"

"He's coming."

Harry looked to where the otter was staring but saw nothing. Literal nothing, vast empty blackness nothing, "What's coming."

"The Wooby."

The what?!

Before Harry could ask, the otter turned to them with a look of stricken panic, "We must hide. Quickly!"

Under the persistence of the otter they two children scrambled hastily under a nearby bush, and just in time. The Wooby didn't so much appear as explode into existence.

The three shrank back under the auditory assault of its presence, a constant wub, wub that shook them through to their very core. Looking at it was no less painful as the harsh pulsing neon colors flashing across a skull like demonic visage made the brain scream in protest.

It hovered in place, scanning the area with vile strobe light eyes. A rabbit jumped out of a bush, clutching its ears, rolling and hopping in panicked circles. The Wooby focused on it and with one concentrated wub, the rabbit dropped.

Satisfied with his work, The Wooby gave a horrible shriek then vanished exactly as it appeared.

"What, the bloody hell, was that?" Harry cried, once he was sure 'it' wasn't coming back.

"The Wooby," said the otter, cautiously crawling out of their shelter.

"Is that your, pickle?"

"Not kosher," said Luna, "not even dill."

"Right. Where did it come from?"

"The edge," said the otter, shuffling over to inspect the rabbit who lay where he fell.

"Edge? Edge of what?" asked Harry.

"The edge," the otter repeated. "He's a lord of the edge."

Harry wanted to sigh. This conversation was going nowhere, and the otter seemed more interested in the dead rabbit anyway, "Alas, poor Tibbs. I knew him you know?"

"What did it do to him?"

"It wubbed him," said the otter, "wubbed him to death."

"Wubbed?" The otter nodded. "Wubbed?"

"It's what he does," it said. "No one is safe. Not so long as he's out there. There's only one way to stop him."

"How's that?" the silly, naïve protagonist asked.

"You must collect the Seven Secret Skulls and learn the truth they hold. Only then can you defeat The Wooby."

"We'll do it!" declared Luna.

"Right, we'll dooooowait a minute."

"No time Thaddeus," she said, excitedly taking his hand, "We've a Wooby to Whomp."

"Whoa, wait, what about him?"

"I'm sorry" said the otter, "but, otters can't… otters can't… oh I'm so ashamed," and he hid his shameful face in his shameful paws, shamefully.

"Don't worry," said Luna. "We'll find the Seven Secret Skulls, learn the truth and defeat The Wooby. You can count on us."

And, her declaration made, she rushed off, dragging a highly confused not Thaddeus Potter behind her.


	4. Never go that way

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 04 – Never go that way

…

"Luna! Luna, hold on a second."

"No time Thaddeus," declared the lovely Lovegood, "We've a day to save. Every second counts."

That was all well and good, thought Harry, but did she really have to drag him around like luggage, "Where are we going?"

A sudden stop, and to the ground he dropped, "I don't know," she said. "I guess I was so excited I forgot to ask."

Made sense, "Where are we?" he asked as he dusted himself off.

He hadn't caught much of the scenery as he was being dragged along. Could be because there wasn't much scenery to catch. Space seemed to stretch on into darkness, the only feature in the gently rolling gray hills was a single tree.

"That looks like a good place to start," said Luna, happily skipping over to the tree as Harry tagged along. An odd clock hung from the tree. It had three hands and numbered to thirteen. Strangest of all, it was running backwards.

"What a weird clock," said Harry. "How is it supposed to tell time?"

"Maybe it doesn't," said a voice that made both children jump, "maybe it's trying to keep it a secret."

"It's doing a good job," said Harry, staring at the tall thin man who'd appeared out of nowhere.

"And who might you be sir?" asked Luna of the fancily dressed individual with the wild hair and dark eyes.

"I, am the Goblin King," he said, "and you, are looking for the secret skulls."

"We are," agreed Luna.

"But how did you know that?" asked Harry suspiciously.

"Word get's around," he said, like that's all there was to it. "It just so happens, I have one of them."

"May we have it?" asked Luna.

"Sure…" Too easy, Harry thought. "If you can get to it." There it is.

"Where is it."

"It's there, in my castle."

It wasn't the sudden appearance of the gigantic maze out of nothing that left Harry gaping, it was… well actually that probably was it.

"You have thirteen hours to get to the center, or the both of you will join my domain and become goblins, forever."

Having set forth the rules and the stakes, the Goblin King vanished as suddenly as he had appeared.

"I don't think I like him," Harry decided.

"You can tell him when we get to the castle," said Luna, marching purposefully up to the gate of the maze and pushing at the doors. "Little help?"

Between the two of them, they got the heavy doors open and entered the massive maze, "So, which way, left or right?"

It wasn't an easy decision. Both routes appeared to go on forever without any turn. What a pickle, but not kosher.

"So, which way?"

"The right way, naturally," said Luna.

"But which way is right?"

"The one that isn't left."

"Don't you mean wrong?"

"What's wrong?"

She was messing with him. She had to be. There was no other explanation.

"I'm going this way," and off he went.

"Okay," and off she followed.

Harry glanced at the peculiar blonde walking beside him. He didn't know what to think of the big-eyed girl which greatly annoyed him. It was one thing for old people to be mysterious and obtuse, but someone his age should not be so hard to figure out.

"Do you think this is the right way?" she asked suddenly.

"Do you think this is the wrong way?" he replied.

"Hmm, not necessarily but very possibly yet not certainly maybe."

"Now you're just being silly."

"Barmy you ask me."

Harry stopped in his tracks, "Did you hear that?"

"Someone accusing me of being barmy?" she asked. Harry nodded, to which she also nodded, "I get that a lot."

Hardly comforting, "But where'd it come from?"

"The walls?"

Harry groaned. That was the last thing they needed, the walls making fun of them.

"Oy, down here!"

The two looked down to find a harry ginger worm looking up at them, "Ello."

"I guess it wasn't the wall."

No, just a worm, a talking worm. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.

"Begging your pardon," said Harry, "but do you know if there's a turn or an opening anywhere down this way?"

"Wot, ya kiddin? There's an opening right there in front of ya."

"Huh?" Harry looked at the wall but saw nothing but solid ongoing stone.

"I don't see it."

"Aughta check them glasses then cuz it's right there. If it were a mouth it'd bite ya."

What a rude little worm. While Harry considered squashing it, Luna walked up to the wall and tried to touch it, "Hey!" only to find nothing to touch. "He's right. There is an opening."

"Told ya."

Harry had to blink several times to understand what he was seeing. A trick, an optical illusion. Genius. Waving a goodbye, they made to leave but the worm called them back, "Don't go that way!"

"Oh," and without question Harry turned to go the other way, only to stop when his shirt held him back.

"Why not go that way?" asked Luna, holding Harry by the shirt.

"Never go that way," he said, "It'll take ya straight to that castle."

The two children shared a look, "Right way!"


	5. Millions of peaches

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 05 – Millions of peaches, peaches for me

…

"If you follow that path, down the ravine and just past the second hill you'll find it. Bring me back one of the peaches and I'll give you the skull, alright. And not any off the ground, I want one off the tree."

"Got it!" Luna chirped, and skipped her way down the path with a far less enthusiastic Harry trailing after her.

"Chin up Thaddeus, where's your sense of adventure.'

"With my sense of direction, back in that maze."

No one had been more surprised than Jared, the Goblin King, when they'd arrived at his castle in just over one hour. The worm's directions had been true, and they had gone directly to the castle. Directly, did not mean straight and Harry had to resist the urge to turn at random intervals.

"Not to worry," said Luna, "it's a straight path from here on out. We'll get the peach, bring it back to Simon, and collect our next skull."

Sounded simple enough. Collecting a peach for Simon the Garfunkel certainly sounded a simpler task than solving a long winding maze. Sounded. But for some reason Harry had a sneaking suspicion the other shoe was going to drop right on their heads.

Whatever sense of foreboding plagued Harry had no effect on Luna who skipped down the trail and over the hills till they spotted their goal, "There it is!"

Without hesitation she raced up to the tree, and just as quickly ran away screaming with a savage little hell beast hot on her heels.

"And there it is." He knew that other shoe had to be around.

"Wha… wha… what a horrible little beast!" exclaimed Luna while panting. "And I thought Heffalump's had poor attitudes."

Harry had no idea what a Heffalump was, but he thought the little beast that had chased Luna away from the tree looked strangely reminiscent of his Aunt Marge's bulldog Ripper. "So now what?"

"Maybe… maybe I can reason with him," said Luna hesitantly.

Harry took one look at the nasty little thing with all the teeth and resisted the urge to laugh, "Why don't we save that as a last resort."

"Okay."

"Let's split up and come at it from both sides. He can't chase us both at the same time."

While this was true, it didn't stop the evil little monster from trying. The two young people ran frantically back and forth between the tree and the evil monster guarding it. He couldn't chase them simultaneously, but he was so fast it didn't matter. If one of them got too close to the tree he'd switch off and come for them.

In the end they were forced to retreat, but not without learning something very discouraging, "The branches are too high. It'll take both of us to get that peach."

Divide and conquer was not going to work. Even if he wasn't so fast.

"We're in quite the pickle Thaddeus."

"We certainly are Lulu." If she was going to call him names, there was no reason he couldn't return the favor.

"Do you think he's Kosher?"

He shook his head, "Dill. Definitely Dill."

Luna made a sour face which made him laugh. Finally, she was acting in a way he could understand. "Ideas?"

They sat and thought on the problem, while said problem marched back and forth like a little gestapo. It was hard for Harry to focus, the little monster reminded him so much of Ripper and how much he didn't like Ripper.

He was imagining all the mean things he'd like to do to the nasty bulldog when Luna declared, "I got nothing."

Neither did Harry. He'd just been thinking about beaning Ripper with a rock.

Oh!

"I think I might have one."

Running back down the path, he returned with a handful of stones and headed straight for the evil pickle. It saw him coming and gave a warning growl. When he didn't stop the beast charged.

It was a reckless forward assault, full speed, jaws snapping. Harry palmed his first stone, reeled back and…

Ding!

The stone bounced off the creature's head, dropping him like a sack of potatoes.

"Did you kill it?'

Laying on its back with its legs in the air like a bit of roadkill it certainly looked like it, but Harry could still see his chest rise and fall as he breathed. He was still alive.

"Better get that peach before his bell stops ringing."

The two children raced to the tree only to be presented again with the problem of height, "Can't, reach it."

Even putting Luna on Harry's shoulders wasn't enough. The answer turned out to be the same as their previous problem. It took three rocks, but Harry managed to break the stem off one of the peaches which dropped into Luna's waiting arms.

"Well that wasn't so hard Thaddeus," said Luna as they walked back down the trail.

Harry just sighed, "Don't jinx it Lulu. Please, just don't."


	6. Horse Hockey

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 06 – Horse Hockey

"Ya jinxed it Lulu."

"I didn't mean to."

That didn't change the fact their luck had gone from 'meh' to 'aw hell no!' in the blink of an eye. And things had been going so well too.

After delivering the peach to Simon the Garfunkel, he had kindly pointed them toward The White Princess Chessna, who had the third skull. They'd arrived to much fanfare and a genuinely warm greeting from the princess.

Things had taken a turn when they explained why they'd come. Harry had never seen an expression turn so ugly so fast. Not even from Uncle Vernon.

Quite suddenly and without any warning they found themselves surrounded by white knight's in horse head helmets, "You'll not lay a finger on him!" she declared.

Come to find out, the White Princess had a crush on the Wooby, "He's so edgy." Her blind infatuation could not be reasoned with no matter how they tried and the more they did the madder she got.

"No! Never! Absolutely NOT!" she screamed. But this was not the worst of it. She wasn't about to let them go. They might hurt her precious. And she was smart enough to know they'd escape any dungeon she put them in, they'd solved Jared's maze after all.

So, with a cruel smile, she proposed a game. If they won, they could have the skull. If not, they had to give up their quest and leave the Wooby alone.

This led to their current predicament. Staring down a field of horse head knights with sticks.

"Have you ever played this game?"

Luna shook her head, "You?"

"Once," it hadn't been so bad, till Dudley got mad and clubbed him in the head with the field hockey stick.

"Let the game begin!" the White Princess declared.

The ball was dropped and every knight on the field charged. Luna hesitated but Harry rushed the ball and snuck it out of the massive clumsy knights' control, "Let's go!"

Luna went "eep!" and raced onto the field.

A giant tarantula sitting next to the princess gave color commentary on the game as Harry and Luna did battle with the white knights, "And Potter passes to Lovegood, what a beautiful shot. It slides right past Sir Egelmor like he didn't even see it. And a pass back to Potter, oh, devastating move by Lovegood. Sir Boring and Sir Snoring won't be getting up anytime soon.

"And Potter races up the field. Look at how he handles the ball, just amazing. And it's a pass to Lovegood, back to Potter. Sir Galant is bearing down on Potter, OH! That had to hurt.

"Sir Galant collides head on with Sir Snipesalot and Potter moves on completely unfazed, what a man!"

The spider was mostly right, Harry was mostly unfazed. He was in his element. It was just like Quidditch, fast, violent, everybody was after him and they were all bigger.

This bunch was so much bigger they were actually more of a danger to themselves, "Luna!"

"Come on! Get the lead out! You call yourselves knights!" the White Princess screamed, jumping up and down furiously on her fancy divan.

"We'll be calling them scrap by the time this game is over. Sir Gals I've had goes after Lovegood who passes to Potter. Potter charges between Sir Bane and Sir Ectocooler, OO! But not before they both take a swing and manage to knock each other out. Bad form lads.

"And its Potter up the middle while Sir Gals I've had continues to hound Lovegood. Oh, Potter's noticed, he shoots at Gals I've had, and it's good. Sir Gals I've had is down and Lovegood retrieves the ball and passes it back to Potter."

"Dammit ref are you blind! Make a call already!"

He would have, but brave Sir Robin ran away.

"And we're down to the last five yards. Potter passes to Lovegood who dodges under Sir Not appearing in this film. Lovegood, back to Potter and look at him weave between those singing extra's it's like they're not even moving.

"Potter winds up, he shoots, and its good. Potter scores!"

"Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!"

Harry smiled listening to the angry princess have a fit. Good, let her.

"Thaddeus! We won!" cried Luna.

"Never doubted it," Harry lied.

"Me neither," Luna also lied, but with more exuberance.

The princess scowled petulantly as they marched up, "Well, what do you want?"

"We won your game," said Harry, "now give us the skull."

The princess pouted petulantly, "don't wanna."

"You know pouting isn't very princessy," Luna observed.

"Says who!" the princess snapped. "Fine, take the stupid thing!" Reaching under her divan she chucked the skull at Harry who caught it with insulting ease.

"Thanks."

The princess growled, "Think you're so smart?" A cruel smile curled her lips, "You may have mine, but you'll never get the next one. It's guarded by a dragon."

"Dragon!" That didn't sound good.

The princess nodded, "Oh yes, Booboo will know just what to do with you."


	7. My Hero

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 07 – My Hero

…

"This soup needs something, hmm, yes, I wonder. Tarragon? Oh no, no, no. Basil? Hmm, no, that's not it. Well! I give up, what do you think?"

Luna stared down at the bubbling cauldron from her place hung over it. The bubbling, boiling broth blasted her with the scintillating scents of soup.

"Maybe a dash of coriander," she suggested.

The dragon flounced around excitedly, "That's it," he said, running to his spice rack.

Several bottles flew past Luna till the dragon returned with the coriander, giving the soup a generous garnish before dipping the spoon for a taste. "Mm, perfect," the dragon declared. "Just let that simmer now and it should be ready by the time your friend gets here."

"I do hope he hurry's," said Luna, "All the blood is rushing to my head."

"Should I take you down for a bit?"

"Would you please. When I suggested this, I had no idea how quickly it would become uncomfortable."

The dragon took his little blonde 'hostage' and set her on a nearby chair, "I am so sorry about the lack of a proper cage. So embarrassing, it really is."

"Nothing for it now," said Luna, "just put it out of your mind."

"Yes, yes of course you're right. Tea?"

"That would be lovely."

While Booboo busied himself with tea, Luna took the opportunity to admire his cave. It was really terribly cozy, with a lovely squashy couch big enough for a dragon and lots of little tables covered in lace doylies.

If not for the hard, stone floor and bubbling cauldron it could easily have been mistaken for some old ladies sitting room. "Here we go!"

Which seemed a strangely accurate description of the dragon. He would have been perfectly at home gobbling away with the neighborhood bridge club or sowing circle. Hardly much of a dragon at all. He hadn't even known what he was supposed to do when she and Harry came calling. He'd been so flustered at having guests he'd almost passed out.

"How is it?" he asked with nervous excitement.

"Marvelous."

"Oh good, good!" he exclaimed.

It wasn't really, but she hadn't the heart to tell him it was just alright. Needed some pepper.

A sudden knock at the door sent Booboo into a tizzy, "Oh, he's here. I'm not ready, I, oh dear!"

Luna shook her head at the mincing dragon who looked like he might faint, "Now none of that," she said firmly. "We've been over this. Go on now."

The dragon took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, "Yes, yes your right. I can do this. You can do this Booboo."

Bravely, he strutted up to the door and called out, "Who is it?"

"The hero!" a muffled voice called back.

"The hero who?" the flamboyant flaming reptile sang.

"The hero who's come to slay you."

"Oh my goodness!" cried Booboo, fleeing from the door and hiding behind the couch.

Luna sighed and shook her head, "Booboo. You knew he was going to say that."

"Did I?" the dragon quavered. "Oh yes, I guess I did. Really, just a masterful delivery. Bravo sir, bravo!" the dragon applauded.

"Thank you. Can I come in now?"

"You have to knock down the door," said Luna.

A sigh could be heard from the other side of the door followed by several hard knocks.

"No, no, knock it down," shouted Luna.

"We're trying," the muffled voice called back. "Hold on. We got an idea."

There was a brief pause then the sound of galloping hooves. The door flew off its hinges and slammed to the floor. Standing in the open frame a gallant figure upon his noble steed stood silhouetted.

Booboo squealed in awe. Then the donkey collapsed to the ground and the poorly made up 'knight' tumbled to the floor, "Haw-hee!" said the concussed and confused equine.

"Yeah, I know how ya feel," said Harry, muffled under the old bucket serving as his helmet.

"Is he alright?" asked Booboo.

"Hee-haw!" said Dominic, waving a hoof as if to say, don't mind me.

"Oh dear, perhaps I should get him some ice. Do you think he should lie down?"

He was lying down but the dragon didn't seem to notice as he carried on like a mother hen. Honestly. "Booboo, focus. This is the most important part. The hero fights the dragon."

"Fight!" the dragon squeaked. "But, I don't want to fight. Can't we just have a nice poetry reading instead?"

Luna groaned as Booboo fidgeted nervously. It was like pulling teeth. "We've already been over this. The hero has to fight the dragon to save the damsel and collect the skull for the quest."

"I know, but…"

"No! No butts!"

Booboo whimpered but under Luna's unflinching stare he had no choice and dragged his tail out to meet Harry. "I… I suppose we have to fight now," said the dragon.

"Don't worry," said Harry, "I promise I won't hit you too hard."

"Oh you sweet darling boy," the dragon declared, "here I come. Ehem, raaaaaaar!" sang Booboo.

Watching the two of them 'fight' Luna gave a heavy sigh. Embarrassing, that's what it was. Just, embarrassing.

She'd been all excited when she'd heard there was a dragon. What a disappointment. It was probably for the best that Harry wasn't much of a 'hero', because Booboo certainly wasn't much of a dragon.

"At least the soup should be good."


	8. Fly me to the moon

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 08 – Fly me to the moon

…

"We really appreciate the help."

"Oh, not at all dear. Anything to get the old cow to shut up for a few minutes."

"Mooooooooo!"

Harry resisted a chuckle as the fairy queen and the cow glared at each other. What cow you ask, why that cow of course. You know the one. The famous one.

"I swear, you athletes are so full of yourself," griped the fairy queen. "Hard to believe you ever jumped over a dandelion let alone the moon with those chunky thighs."

"Moooooo!"

"My butt is perfect! How dare you!"

Harry didn't really want to stay and listen to them fight.

"That's bull."

"Moo!"

"I don't care if you do think you're a heifer now, that's still bull!"

Mostly because he was afraid they'd drag him into the argument. Quietly, he backed away and left them to it while he went in search of Luna.

"I'm telling you Fawn, he's no good for you. You need to leave him."

"I know but, what if no one else wants me. I don't think I could handle that."

"What utter nonsense. Not want you, you'll be beating them off with a stick."

"He's really not so bad…"

"He most absolutely is! You need to leave him."

Harry stared in utter confusion as Luna gave what he thought sounded like relationship advice to the cute girl with the bottom half of a deer. How had this conversation started?

"Uh, Luna?"

"Yes Harry."

"I, uh, got the wings," he said, holding up two pairs of gigantic butterfly wings.

"Oh, lovely!" declared Luna, hopping off the toadstool and clasping the deer girl by the hands. "Fawn, take my advice. You leave that awful Buck. He is no good for you, and you deserve better."

The deer girl blushed but seemed to take heart at the little blonde's statement. She smiled and waved as the two intrepid adventurers donned their wings and took to the sky.

"What was that all about?" Harry asked when they were out of earshot.

"Bad relationship," she said. "She's just more afraid of being in no relationship."

That made no sense to Harry, but he supposed it didn't have to and kept it to himself, "Hope it works out for her."

Luna nodded, "So, how was the queen? Did you get to meet the cow?"

Harry chuckled at her abrupt shift, "The queen was good, sort of annoyed with the cow. Can she actually understand him?"

Luna shrugged, "Far as I can tell. If she is faking it, she's doing a really good job."

It was a great act either way. He should try doing that with Hedwig. "So where are we supposed to find cheese on the moon?"

"Anywhere. The whole things made of cheese you know."

What! "No it's not."

"Well what do you think it's made of?"

"Rocks." Those American astro nuts had brought back samples hadn't they.

Luna obviously didn't know about the American space men because she laughed openly at such an idea, "Really Thaddeus, where do you get these ideas?"

He was beginning to wonder the same thing. He was flying to the moon on borrowed butterfly wings to get cheese for a nursery rhyme character. On the other hand, he was also going to a school where waving a stick and saying the wrong words could blow your eyebrows off. It was hard to know what was strange anymore.

"What do you think spring is like on Jupiter, or Mars?"

He supposed that's why he had Luna, to clear it up for him, "Springy?"

The big-eyed girl nodded, "That sounds right."

At least it didn't sound left. But it was from the left the first volley came, a massive chunk of something hurtling at them like a runaway asteroid. They fluttered quickly around the massive projectile just in time to spot the next half dozen crashing through the air toward them.

"Evasive maneuvers!" shouted Harry.

"Aye, sky captain!"

The pair wove in and out of the line of yellowish objects. Harry, born to fly, looped and twirled around the slow-moving obstacles with grace and ease.

"Bravo! Bravo! That was marvelous!" declared Luna with raucous applause.

Harry 'humbly' accepted this praise with a single bow. "Seriously though, where did they come from?"

"There."

The moon loomed huge before them and only slightly larger than the thing attached to it, waving its tentacles furiously while glaring with a trio of angry red eyes.

"What the bloody hell is that?"

"Moon monster."

"Cheese!" the monster roared.

Of course, "Well now what do we do?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

He really wished it wasn't. It would be madness to get within reach of that, thing. Though the longer he looked at it the more he felt like he was losing his mind. Only one thing to do.

"Attack!"

"Yay!"

"Cheese!"


	9. Marry me!

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 09 – Marry me

…

"I didn't like that, not at all."

Harry saw no reason to argue, so he didn't. They'd defeated the moon monster and retrieved the cheese, earning them their fifth skull, but the battle itself had been, unpleasant.

Say what you will about a creature with tentacles (ya nasty) but a pair of pre-teens were never really intended to do battle with such a thing. Such a battle… their minds weren't sufficiently developed to deal with it.

"He touched me in ways I did not like one bit!" said Luna, angry for the first time since he'd met her. "We need to go back. I have some things I want to say to him."

With her fists no doubt, "We can't go back. We returned the wings to the fairy queen, remember?"

"Yeeeees…" she hedged.

"And even if we could go back, you didn't really leave that much to talk to." There is a terror that lurks behind those big eyes.

"Flip my skirt up will he," she grumbled under her breath.

"Look, we've got five skulls, we're almost there. Let's just focus on that, okay." Taking her by the hand he led them through the wood toward the enchanted grove where the fairy queen had said the next skull would be.

Being he was in leader mode, he never noticed how meekly Luna followed him, or the faint blush that colored her cheeks. Girls like boys that take charge, go figure.

The sound of pan pipes wafted through the trees and they came into a clearing. Water poured from a large moss-covered stone into a crystal-clear pond surrounded by bright green clover. Atop the rock sat a goat legged satyr who ceased his playing when they entered the glade.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?'

"Are you Sax?" asked Harry.

"Indeed I am, Sax the Satyr, at your service," he said, hopping off the rock.

"We were told you have one of the secret skulls."

"I do."

And here came the tricky part, "So, what's it going to take for you to give it to us?"

The satyr looked at them, first Harry then Luna. His attention dwelt on Luna a little too long for Harry's liking and just as he was about to say something the satyr knelt, took Luna's hands and said, "Marry me!"

Mouths fell open in shock, Luna threw in an atomic blush for good measure.

"You're beautiful, magnificent. We will have adorable children. Does one or two dozen sound better to you?"

As Luna reeled at such a 'flattering' proposal, Harry saw red, "What the bloody hell is wrong with you!" he screamed.

The satyr, unimpressed, "No one was talking to you. Go on, shoo, shoo."

Harry in fact did not, shoo, shoo. He did however display a surprising strength for a twelve-year-old when he punched the horny goat man right in the mouth. "What is your problem kid?"

"YOU! Ya dirty old man!"

"Don't cock block me kid. I'm warning you."

"Oh yeah!" If one punch proved insufficient to teach him his lesson, he'd just have to be more thorough.

"No, please, don't fight over me."

There wasn't a lot of conviction in her plea and neither man seemed to hear her anyway as they dove at each other. The satyr was older than Harry, bigger and stronger… making this fight much like every other he'd ever been in, with one notable exception.

"Ow! Ow, let go of my ear!"

Since he couldn't get in any more trouble fighting the satyr than the satyr himself could dish out, there was no reason to hold back.

"Aaaaaaaah! No biting! No bitiiiiiiiiiing!"

Luna of course was still off in her own world, "Marriage! No, I couldn't possibly. I mean, it's so sudden. What would daddy think?"

"Get of my back you ugly little monkey!"

"Eat garbage goat face!"

"I mean, I'm flattered, really, but I just couldn't."

"You're gonna be sorry in a minute!"

"You're gonna be sorry in two seconds!"

"We really couldn't, I mean you, me, we! Oh goodness!"

The girl called Lovegood struggled with her decision as Harry and the satyr struggled with each other. "It really is very sweet. I just don't think we're right for each other. Oh!"

A light bulb went on, and Luna knew exactly what needed to be done.

…

"How did you get so banged up again?"

"It was huge! This, big angry troll. Attacked me for no reason, no reason at all."

"Oh, you poor dear."

The deer girl, Fawn, cooed over the injured satyr as she bandaged his wounds with a loving, gentle touch. Luna beamed at her handiwork.

"I have brought great honor to the name of Lovegood," she said.

"How nice for you," Harry grumbled beside her.

"Oh, don't be like that Thaddeus. I think they make a cute couple."

"I had him. One more minute and he would've been done."

"Of course he would," said Luna, "but don't you think this is better."

Even if he did, he'd never admit it out loud.

"You know, I really do appreciate you defending my honor like that."

He didn't blush when she placed the kiss on his cheek, or when she took his hand. The color in his face was just, leftover adrenaline rush, yeah that's it.

"Come on Thaddeus. We've a Wooby to Whomp," said the sweet little big eyed blonde.

"Okay," said the totally not blushing young man.


	10. You got wubbed

Hogwarts a History – Otters can't catch what?  
Chapter 10 – You got wubbed

…

"He's not in the house!"

"Not in the garden!"

"Well, where is he?"

The various Weasley's stood assembled at the front stoop of the Burrow looking various levels of anxious. The cause, a lack of one house guest.

"You don't think he got lost in the woods, do you?"

Molly, like any good mother, knew the sort of trouble a young man could get into on his own. She'd raised enough of them, she ought to. "Did you check the garage?"

"He's not in there," said Arthur, "I put a perimeter ward around it after the boys, borrowed, the car."

Fred and George very conspicuously did not look at their father. It wasn't like they felt guilty or anything, they were just, keeping an eye out for Harry. Yeah, that's it.

"Perhaps we should check with the neighbors," Percy suggested.

"Good idea Percy. Luna was just here this morning," said Molly.

"Looney!" exclaimed Ron, who received a quick smack from his mother.

"Ya think she got him?" wondered Fred.

"Fed the poor bloke to the Woozle's," said George.

"The Woozle's aren't so bad."

"Harry!" the family exclaimed as the subject of their conversation strode up looking rather shell shocked.

"Mate, where ya been?"

Harry seemed confused by the question, "I fell down an otter hole," he said.

"Dear, are you alright? What happened?"

"I got wubbed."

The Weasley's stared, "Wubbed?" said Ron.

Harry nodded, "That's what he does."

"What who does Harry?" asked Arthur.

"The Wooby."

More staring, "The what?"

"The Wooby," he repeated, "he wub's you. That's what he does."

Fred and George snickered at a joke only they seemed to get but Ron was just confused, "What's a Wooby?"

"A greasy haired basement dwelling troll trying way too hard to be hip, and with it."

More stares, and snickering, "What the bloody hell does that mean?"

Harry shrugged, "That was the secret hidden by the Seven Secret Skulls. Although, they should be called the Six Secret Skulls, I don't care what Luna says. Her head cannot be a seventh skull, I don't care if it did work, it's just silly."

The mention of Luna melted the permeating anxiousness, various Weasley's nodding like it was all to be expected. "That girl and her imagination," said Molly.

"Looney," Ron mumbled under his breath.

"Well, we've found him, that's what matters," said Arthur. "Inside everyone. Time for dinner isn't it Molly wobbles?"

"Of course, of course, come along everyone."

The Weasley's filed into the house but Ron hung back a moment with Harry, "You okay mate?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," said Harry, at last remembering how to blink again.

"She really is crazy ya know."

"Who?"

"Luna."

Harry shook his head, "She's not so bad," he said. "I'm actually curious to see where she gets sorted when we get to Hogwarts."

"I hope it's not Gryffindor."

"Boys! Come along!"

"Better get in there," said Ron.

Harry followed his friend into the house, putting all thoughts of otter's and Wooby's from his mind. Tomorrow it would be off to Hogwarts and a nice quiet year of magical education.

(You may feel free to laugh at the poor naïve protagonist now)


End file.
